I Am Israel

Hello everyone. I'm so sorry I haven't written in such a long time, but it's been a long and difficult period of questioning, and decision making.
These are the main thoughts that have been in my mind in the past couple of months.

I came back from London, very inspired, but very confused, as I always do when I go back there. I decided that I shouldn't go back for a while. It would be like opening a wound not yet fully scarred, like seeing an ex you have recently broken up with.

I decided that Israel was The One. After the Yom Hazikaron and Yom Hatzmaut celebrations, I realized that Israel was the only country for which I felt pride and a real sense of belonging, with its history, and with its people. I am a part of Israel. Leaving it would break my heart. It's the first time I do not want to leave a place.

It's easy to think that as an artist, I should go to NY or London to try and "make it", but in Israel, I am a pioneer. This is a 60 year-old country where everything is yet to be done, where everything is possible, and where creative inspiration comes from raw material, and not from an over-saturated art market, constantly comparing myself to thousands of other good artists competing against each other, trying to be cooler and more clever than the next. Here I can believe in myself and in the powerful energy that emanates from this country, I can trust G-d to give me all the inspiration I need to make real work that comes from the heart, rather than make work to please others.

I do miss London and all its European sophistication has to offer, but I believe that I will never be truly happy there, and never truly free, as I will always be thinking about Israel. I decided to open my eyes, and realize that here, in Israel, I am Real. When I allow myself to dig a little bit deeper, I discover things that I never suspected Israel could offer me. Israel is generous to me, because I am willing to be generous to Israel, generous like I would never be towards any other country. Israel is making me a better person.

Only On El Al: In-flight Entertainment

Only on El Al will you get, every single time, on top of your film and music selection and your peanut and diet coke snack, a shiddukh (for example, a blind date with the son of the friend of the brother of the passenger sitting next to you), plus a shabbat invitation. That same passenger sitting next to you will also take a huge photo album out of her bag and show you photos of her son's wedding, explaining who is who on each photo. You will also be able to listen and enjoy the other passenger on your row singing mizrahi songs at the top of his lungs, headphones on his ears. And as a bonus, on each flight, you will get en entire Haredi minyian, walking back and forth in their tallit in the airplane alleys.

Which airline can beat that in terms of entertainement?

On Socializing in a Small Country part 2

It just couldn't get any worse: My nasty ex and my ex half-friend half-whatever are gonna get to know each other! Due to unexpected circumstances over which I have absolutely no control, their paths will now cross... Is somebody up there trying to tell me something? The worrying thing is that the former thinks I'm a horrible selfish monster, and although the latter is still my friend, I suspect he might feel a bit resentful towards me. At this point, we can only hope they will hate each other, rather than unite.

When Miranda from Sex and the City left her lovely, perfect boyfriend, who also happened to be her neighbour, to be with Steve, and she couldn't use the elevator anymore to avoid bumping into him, she asked herself "Why do I have to shit where I eat?" It seems that in Israel, shitting where you eat is the only way. Or you would just have to stop doing either.

What would Carla Bruni do?

Blank Page

I recently did a little clean up in my relationship drawer. No more nasty exes, no more half-friend-half-whatever, and absolutely no target to aim at. No more ambiguities. My love life is a blank page right now. It's kind of a nice feeling, a feeling of "anything could happen now", like waiting for a surprise. A nice clean sheet of white paper waiting to be written on.

I'm Not an Antisemite But...

I officially got my first antisemitic comments! And not just one! The other day, Benji told me it meant I've finally made it. At first, I was gonna keep them as a souvenir, but I had to delete them because they were just wrong. It's all because of Carla Bruni and how I dared ask if she would be good for the Jews or not. Now, to all my antisemite readers, before you start writing your next lovely comments, you should know that whether x is "good for the Jews" (replace "x" by Carla Bruni, Hilary Clinton, organic vegetables, sex, falafel, etc) is a jewish private joke. If you don't get it, I don't care. If you're gonna take it seriously, I don't care. And if you're gonna debate over it, I don't care either. I don't care about you, I only care about good, sensitive people, with a sense of humour and a BRAIN. Jewish or not.

Those comments are so typical of human stupidity and low-class, basic antisemitism, that they are almost too good to be true. I'm dying to post them to show them off but that would just give them credibility, and attract more unwanted readers coming from antisemitic google searches.

Anyway, gotta get back to my jew agenda now.

TLV MWF JJU VVO

The other day I had the most depressing thought ever: there are actually many countries in this world that I will probably never see! Depressing, huh? For example, Antarctica. What are the chances that I will ever visit Antarctica? I would love to, though! What about Tajikistan? And the Chinese province of Heilongjiang? Probably never. Vanuatu? Easter Island? Greenland? Doubt it. Nunavut anyone? It is a Canadian province, after all! Nebraska? South Dakota? Don't think so...

So what could I do about this problem? I mean, life is too short! I could either resign myself to never go, or I could concentrate on visiting only this type of unpopular places for the rest of my life. Forget India and Bolivia, forget Prague and Istanbul, forget Thailand and New Zealand, and hello Arkansas, Papua New Guinea, Vladivostok, Kyrgystan, and Svalbard!

Wanna join, anyone?

The Best Way to Learn Hebrew

Get a stubborn, provocative, touchy, too sensitive, irritable, macho Italian boyfriend who doesn't speak any english, and fight with him every day in hebrew. Great improvement will follow. On your hebrew, not on your relationship.

Lost in Translation

My new little italian friend and I only have one language in common, and it's hebrew. It's a challenge, because we get into very deep conversations, and we have to do it in hebrew. It's more of a challenge for me though, because he has been in Israel for 3 years. Sometimes, in the middle of a lively debate, we get stuck on one particular verb, and we pause the conversation and start debating about that hebrew verb, how to say it, or use it in the future tense, etc. Then we realize that we have to get back to the main debate. It's quite funny. It's even funnier when it happens in the middle of a big argument. Because yes, we already argue quite a lot, and still, in the middle of the argument, we stop and start talking about a particular hebrew verb.

It's so challenging to argue in a new language. The words that come out of your mouth have to reflect your thoughts, and sometimes you don't have enough vocabulary to express subtleties, and also, the person who listens (or actually doesn't quite listen!!!) has to understand what you wanna say. So when you do that in a language that is a new for both parties, it seems that an argument that could only take 5 minutes actually takes hours, because of the language limitations.

Tzipi Livni Ha Ha Ha!

On my way home this evening, I saw a Russian guy walking down the street, speaking to himself in russian, and who kept on repeating "Tzipi Livni, Tzipi Livni... Ha ha ha ha! Tzipi Livni, ha ha ha!"... Don't know what he was thinking, but I guess he found her hilarious.

Only on El Al - Checking Out at Check-in

Here we go again. I arrived in Tel Aviv this morning at 5am. Time has gone by so fast that it seems like I never left Tel Aviv in the first place and never went to London or Paris. As usual, I travelled with El Al, and as expected, I was in the middle of what could be a very good episode of some kind of Israeli airport sitcom.

Funny things always happen when flying El Al. Why? Because it's a Jewish airline. You know, as in Jewish mothers, or Jewish jokes, but this time, it's an airline.

London Heathrow airport, 7.30pm, high security El Al check-in area. No passengers queuing yet because it's too early. Just a religious family and me. The security staff was in a very jolly mood, which was a nice change from last time. I got asked the usual questions, but it was much more fun than usual.

Security Guy: "What is the purpose of your trip?"
Me: "To find a husband, hehehe"
SG: "Oh you want to find a husband! Maybe we can find you someone here"
Me: "He has to keep shabbat though, because I'm going to start doing that soon"
SG: "Why would you wanna do that? I don't keep shabbat"
Me: "Oh well, it will never work out between us then"
SG: "hmmm... wait, Shahar keeps shabbat"
Me: "Who's Shahar?"

Meanwhile, a security lady comes over to ask me about a piece of my luggage which hadn't been with me the whole time and which could be a threat. (It wasn't in the end)

SG (to Security Lady): "She's looking for a husband who keeps shabbat"
Security Lady: "Oh, what about Shahar?"
Me: "But who's Shahar?"
SL: " You see the security guy over there, with the white shirt? That's him. He keeps shabbat"
Me: "Oh but he lives in London, I'm thinking of staying in Israel"
SL: "No, it's ok, he's going back to live in Israel soon!"

Then, SG and SL started calling Shahar, who was all the way on the other side of the check-in area: "Shahar! Shahar!"
Me, very embarrassed: "No no, don't!!!"
Them: "Shahaaaaar!"
SL: "I'm going to talk to him"
Me: " No, don't please!"
And there she goes.
Me (to SG): "You know, I'm gonna have to write about this on my blog!"

I went to check-in and started joking around with the (very cute) guy at the check-in desk. Then, I left, saying bye to my little shiddukh friends. I tried to check out that Shahar guy, but he was busy with some passengers, so in the end I didn't get to see what he looked like from close.

Three hours later, after a good dinner, and some duty free browsing in the perfume section, smiling to myself the whole time because of the security people, it was time to board the plane. It was late and the airport was almost empty. The only people left were mostly Chinese or Jewish: the last two flights were going to Hong Kong and Tel Aviv.

I'm sitting in my seat, seatbelt fastened, waiting for take-off. The Chief flight attendant, or whatever you call him, comes up to me and goes: "Miss Worldwide?", "Yes, it's me". He gives me a little folded piece of paper. "It's from security". I open the paper. On the paper: Shahar's phone number and email address! I've never laughed so loud on a plane before.

Worldwide Sunday

Today was a typical worldwide sunday: had coffee and croissants with my Italian-Israeli friend Valentina, went to the French consulate to vote for my next president, had some authentic Japanese sushi in the park while studying my Hebrew vocabulary, then bumped into my Lebanese-Dutch friend at the organic shop, all that in London.

Shabbat-o-rama: Wing

This is the discovery of the year. Wing, a Chinese singer who emigrated to New Zealand, will perform at your bar mitzva, wedding, or retirement home, and will sing all your favorite hits, from ABBA to AC/DC. She had her own episode of South Park and reached international fame... Shabbat shalom!

Shabbat-o-rama: "Dallas"

Today, you will have the honour of discovering the French version of the opening credits of the cult 80s show "Dallas". I always thought that our version was a translation of the American one, until I moved to Canada and discovered in great astonishment, after years of ignorance, that you guys had a totally different song! I used to love that show when I was about 7 years old. I probably didn't understand anything that was going on, but knowing that JR was constantly cheating on Sue Ellen, that Bobby was a good guy, that Pamela always had nice outfits, and that Lucy was a bit of a slut, was enough for my enjoyment of the show. Actually, thinking about it now, it was like watching a live version of my Barbie games, house and pool included. I remember that my mom and her sisters found hilarious to compare every character of the show to members of my dad's family... I only understood why that was funny years later... Shabbat shalom!

Musical Chairs 2007

The next wave of Musical Chairs is to start soon. (reminder: Musical Chairs is, according to my friend Andy, a phenomenon that occurs every year or so, in which friends swap countries: X1 moves to Y2, X2 moves to Y3, X3 moves back to Y1...)

Musical Chairs 2007 (to be confirmed):

Miss WW from London to Tel Aviv
Anna from New York to London
Vera from London to Stuttgart
Zsofi from Tel Aviv to Zurich
My father from Paris to Bratislava
Julien from Paris to Montreal

Where are you readers moving from and to?

Shabbat-o-rama: Serge Gainsbourg

Serge Gainsbourg - Le Sable et le Soldat (Chanson pour Israel)

During the Six Day War, Serge Gainsbourg* wrote a song for Israel. Gainsbourg never openly showed his support for the State of Israel, and the song never got released and remained unknown to the public until 35 years later. Listen to it here. Shabbat shalom!

"Oui, je défendrai le sable d'Israël,
La terre d'Israël, les enfants d'Israël;
Quitte à mourir pour le sable d'Israël,
La terre d'Israël, les enfants d'Israël;
Je défendrai contre tout ennemi,
Le sable et la terre, qui m'étaient promis
Tous les Goliaths venus des pyramides,
Reculeront devant l'étoile de David."

In english, that would be something like:

"I will defend the sand of Israel,
The land of Israel, the children of Israel;
Should I die for the sand of Israel,
The land of Israel, the children of Israel;
I will defend against every ennemy,
The sand and the land that were promised to me
All the Goliaths from the pyramids,
Will retreat in front of the star of David."